Tuesday, June 6
why i hate who i am and who i've been
i have been on a high, soaring past iridescent brilliance and star studded skies
fueled by bright sparks flames and coffee
and i have been in slumps; unending abyss and chasms dark and infinite
infernal pit of inferno, purgatory, and finally paradiso
i have been in heaven and hell
Aucifer and Nirvana
and the lines begin to blur.
i am ambivalence. i am always moving, like the wind
nobody can ever step into the same river twice
rivers flow
in constant flux
i am a river
like water
like wind
like glass
fluidity trapped in brittle fragility and defined angularity
i am neurotic.
anxious, schizotypal, kleptomaniac, dependent, narcicisstic, awkward,
histrionic, melancholic, phlegmatic, avoidant, obsessive-compulsive, borderline
anxious, avoidant, awkward, borderline, dependent, histrionic, kleptomaniac,
melancholic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, phlegmatic, schizotypal.
there. looks better, all sorted out.
i abhor disorder, but i embrace chaos
chaos is beautiful
chaos is order in itself
what is there to love, and what is there to hate
i am nothing
i am a walking zombie
i hate my recklessness imprudence; temerity audacity foolhardiness
i hate my hatred. my rage.
i despise myself for feeling pity, sorrow, wretchedness and gloom
i mock my happiness. so fleeting temporal wings of a butterfly that kisses the sun
the brush of burning desire that engulfs one in crimson blood; scarlet wine.
i love colour in its stark nudity
paint myself over; colour myself through in shades of fluorescence
contrived artistry. masks and layers.
falsification, fakery, camouflage.
my blood taints perfect tints
murky metallic paints a pallid landscape red
scars never fade
slash cut burn
deep under the skin forever
until amnesia claims the hollow carapace
0. oOo
