Wednesday, April 4
untimely refresh
a fallen leaf in a temporal river
enveloped in haze.
the future is surreal
created the moment before i cross over to the next.
it must be formless, uncertain.
for if it is already present,
why do i have to wait so long for it to arrive?
slowly i kill time
hoping that eternity will remain unblemished.
the past i leave behind in fragments
a tapestry that's simultaneously fading into nothingness
and being mended by new pieces every moment.
must i choose each moment
and contemplate my dying questions
or can i choose
once and for all
decide without ever turning back
or going full circle, to where i once was,.
so much time i have lost
so much energy dispensed.
i crouch on the ground with lowered lenses
tired, soundless, weeping.
why do you write such beautiful words
that even though i know not what you mean
the mere sounds of your still voice
running over these words like a river
brings me down to my knees in sorrowful anguish.
why do you paint with such vivid color
that blinds me by its unending whitewashed contrast.
i am estranged in paralysis
wearied as i plod through the mire of my hours
my minutes and seconds i desire, i lament as i find myself bereft
yet the very lease of time
that i inhale and squander away
is too long a cigarette for me to bear
it burns. i am in flames.
can i just hit upon the refresh button
to brand each hour new
can i even...?
i am looking down at an abyss
a sense of vertigo disrobes me
i am afraid to look.
how can i know that the world is real
how can i know that God exists
how can i be certain?
i cannot.
but i am.
i walk with eyes wide shut
stricken blind by absurdity
refresh refresh.
let me be
like flowers that grow through the gaps of broken glass
let me catch upon petal tips
the mist of water droplets from your spray can
a green plastic watering can that saves me seat in anna's garden
let me catch your words, your voice.
and perhaps, just perhaps
i'll float lazily back into the past
i'll be a child again
brimming with curiosity and unspoken wonder,
0. oOo
